Making Space for Love

After a scourge of rain, in which the heavens cried buckets of refreshing, cleansing tears, Friday 7 September 2012 arrives. The sky is a sad grey and the weather chilly. This is the day I have chosen to visit my first love and soulmate’s grave.  It is my intent to pay tribute to, say goodbye and cut soul ties with my first special love, Brian Jeffrey Pleban.

It may seem odd that this is my first visit in 24 years since Brian’s tragic passing. The reason being, I have never afforded myself the opportunity to cry. And because there has never been an outpouring of sadness, the emotions went inwards and stayed trapped inside of me.

I have always stoically held my feelings under tight wraps, censoring the feelings I entertained and choosing to only entertain positive, happy thoughts and their resultant positive emotions.

Today I realise that in preventing my emotions from expressing themselves, I have caused myself to become unbalanced and blocked. Our emotions are a part of our Divine makeup. We were given them as special navigational tools. We can use them to guide us to greater love or lesser love. It is our emotions that help us to connect with one another, with our God energy and cause us continual spiritual growth.

I come to realise that the denial of my feelings stems from an inner fear of not being in control. And fear is the mere loss of faith in surrendering to my highest will. By denying my emotions, I am blocking my flow of Divine love. Fear is like the ‘shut off’ switch to love, where faith is the ‘open’ switch.

I realise too, that in order to make space in my heart for the dear souls in my present life, I need  to empty out the remnants of undealt with sorrow that reside in the recesses of my heart. I need to let bygones be bygones and not hanger-ons.  I know deep within, that unless I release the past, I will never fully engage in the present. How often do we do this? It may be old clothes we hold onto or unwanted heirlooms. We hold onto material stuff as we do emotional stuff. We harbour grievances and resentments, unforgiveness and hatred. But all this clutter takes up heart space and minimises the available space for love to flow in. And we wonder why we don’t have love in our lives. There’s no space. We need to shed, clear out, have a spring clean or a good cry, just like nature intended. We need to have an outpouring of all the unnecessary baggage that doesn’t serve us.

I arrive at the cemetery armed with three arum lilies, from my garden, tied with a red bow.

As I walk between the tombstones searching for Brian’s grave, I have a powerful sense of presence, a connectedness with ‘now’. I acknowledge the lives of each of the souls who in their time made their indelible marks amongst those dear to them. Their presence is forever stored in the collective Soul.

At last I spot Brian’s grave. My heart skips a beat and time slows down. I mechanically lay the lilies on his grave and almost robotically start pulling out the weeds. Only when the last weed has been extricated, do my emotions come pouring out.

I sit on Brian’s grave and sob. I cry for our youth, for special times we had, for laughter and innocence we shared, for experiences that can never be relived except in memories and in the essence of who we’ve become. I forgive myself for storing this grief for such a long, long time. I tell him: “I love you, Brian. Thank you for being my first love. I am grateful for the lessons you taught me. You shared a part of my journey for which I am eternally grateful. I have held a piece of your soul close to my heart and I now give it back to you. I now need to reclaim the piece of my soul I left with you. I will always remember you. Our love is our meeting place.”

I lie on Brian’s grave, staring up towards the heavens and fling the doors of my heart wide open. My sighs are like cleansing waves, washing out the ‘old’ and making space for the ‘new’.

I choose love. And I choose to love fearlessly, free from the fetters of my old conditioning. I choose love like the ocean. I surrender myself to the waves of my emotions, knowing that their purpose is God’s master plan to guide me.

I am now free to fully embrace the life I now lead, to live in the present and enjoy every never to be repeated experience.

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